You've been so used to being mistreated, misguided and misunderstood. Things have happened to you and targeting you for years.
"If it's not this, it'll be something else. If not this financial fit, then a friend and I are fighting. If not for my friend and my fight will I lose sleep, but the desires of my heart are not anywhere to be found. Everything is going wrong."
When your focus is so set on everything has been, is and will go wrong, will you think it easy to recognize what is going well? My bet is, no. What we fixate our focus on is what we will become/inherit.
If your sight is set on bullying from a specific culture, group or past pain, then there is where you will be emotionally, mentally and probably physically. There, you will be solely attracting like-situations. If your sight is set on this desire to find healthy relationships and to pursue them with purpose and good intent, then so be it! You shall have those things that your heart desires, name it good, bad or taunting. You focus on it, you'll have it.
I had been noticing that I was using my timeline of chaos to discern even when good things happened. For example, "I started as a Psychology Major at Avila after Maria died." I have decided to find accountability from friends in order to make a new habit by saying rather, "I started as a Psychology Major early 2017."
When focused, and even in the slightest, on mishaps and unfortunate things, I believe I was just asking for more of that! So how could I possibly recognize good if I was always so focused on what has been bad? I made it so hard for myself to find gratefulness in my day-to-day.
I'm breaking the habit and encouraging you to join me. It is okay to say that what you are good at rather than what you are bad at, more-so. It is okay to say what you are grateful for more than to say "what sucks". It is okay to speak kindly about people rather than gossip about them. It is okay to be a goody good and I encourage it because you will then begin to recognize the beauty of this world in a way you couldn't before!
Consider the music you listen to. Does it make you dwell on things that are good and happy and uplifting? What are your conversations like at work and with friends? Do these conversations build you up as someone good and who will do good?
The bad things that have occurred in your life are real. They matter. Darling, but the good things are like rich, moist chocolate! Delicious and fulfilling! It hits that sweet spot and you only want more because its that good. You then notice all the good around you and can finally embrace and enjoy when everything is going right.