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Not Too Fast

I live with anxiety and it sometimes makes my head spin. Have I spinning since my first experience with trauma?


When I was 10, I experienced trauma for the first time, and my head began to spin. I asked myself, "What the hell just happened? What am I going to do now? What if this happens? Where should I go? What if this happens? I'm fine. I just need to do this and I'll be good!" After each experience, major and minor, the anxiety I now live with so easily sends me into a tail spin. For a period of time, the silence wasn't so scary, by now, that seems like too short a time.


Signs that you're going too fast


Shock What the hell just happened?

Fear What am I going to do now?

Anxiety What if this happens?

Denial I'm fine.

Distraction I just need to get into a routine and pray, plan and do more.

Exhaustion I'm trying to move forward, but what shocked me creeps up and I can't always fight against it.


Full Transparency


Guys, I've been busy. My friends know me to always be busy, as if it's my personality and what I enjoy. With The Girl Who Cried Forgiveness finished and printing, with school and so many other things on hold due to the global pandemic, I'm learning that busy has been my denial and my distraction leading to my current exhaustion.

I've been busy doing good things and even for other people but in that, but I've placed myself on the back burner. My bubble baths were not enough to give me the reset I've needed.


I used to sit for 3-4 hours and pray, 3-4 times per week. In that prayer time, I wrote, dreamt, found creativity and peace. I felt safe being still. Now, and again, my silence has grown loud. At this time, I intentionally moved from Minnesota to Kansas to spend time on myself, my heart and with patience. Since then, I've experienced more trauma and picked up right where I left off before 6 months of intentional healing and slowing down. I know that to be still must be in my routine. Can I do it? Of course I can, especially because I am know more self-aware about this than ever.


In June 2020, I had a miscarriage. My first response to this loss was to let myself cry and move on. Write a blog, Vivia, someone needs it. That will help you and then you can move on. Well, I haven't moved on, because naturally, this loss comes with grief and that grief has waves that will randomly calm and spontaneously rush. In the same week I learned I was pregnant then miscarrying, my anxiety responded.


Shock What the hell just happened?

Fear What am I going to do now?

Anxiety What if this happens?

Denial I'm fine.

Distraction I just need to get into a routine and pray, plan and do more.

Exhaustion I'm trying to move forward, but what shocked me creeps up and I can't always fight against it.

I thought, maybe having had this miscarriage means I should stop nannying. Now, I feel ready to have my own family! Truly, I'm still afraid to try again because, what if there's another loss to grieve? 2020 has been a lot for every person. For me, good things and the excitement was sometimes shelved by the challenging things. My anxiety has been sprinting until running into a wall.

Here I am, writing from where I fell on my butt after hitting that wall. Maybe it's not my job, it's not all I've ever gone through, but its all in how I respond to my experiences.



My response to hardships was once to be still and pray, spending hours in silence and finding joy and peace in it! My response to hardships became fueled by denial and swept up in a busy bee's schedule. I know, that for me, I need to return to a silence that isn't so scary.

With The Girl Who Cried Forgiveness finished and published and classes not beginning until fall, I have time. My wedding is planned, simple and sweet. It's time to train myself to be still and be quiet and find joy in it again.


But how can we do this in a world that still manages to keep way too busy even during a global pandemic?

How are you slowing down?

How many hours a day do you give to yourself?

Do you require facts, or are you still able to balance knowledge with faith?

My busy mind required facts over faith for a minute because faith usually comes with a requirement for surrender. Surrender stirs up emotions and sets fire to humility meant to fuel growth and strength. It can be a challenging process, but is far better to enjoy silence than it is to fear and/or avoid it.


I'm going back to silence without fear, but with faith that all things will be okay. I do not have to plan everything and find distractions for my raw emotions, but I can sit still, feel and find the calm without a storm. I don't have to quit what I'm doing and busy myself with other more important distractions, but I can simply make more time to sit, eat, pray and love. Will you?

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2021 | Vivia Leigh