A blog reader once left an anonymous message for me. This person expressed an inability to connect with me due to my lack of ownership over my own faults. This reader said they personally know some judgement worthy acts on my part, and while I did not choose sexual abuse, owning up to my faults (otherwise) might make me more approachable.
Is this a person I have felt offended by? Is this someone I've offended? At this point, I am unsure.
My focus has been to build myself up from the hurt I've felt from others. Within counseling sessions and journal entries, close relationships with my Mom and best friends, I find accountability and truth. These people in my life do not allow me to avoid walking the walk. Even my messages on these blogs, interactions with people as I public speak or pursue Clarity Coaching sessions, hold me most accountable to walk the walk.
This project I've been working on for so long is bound to do beautiful work. I share my stories including what happened to me, how I responded to the situations (the good, the bad, the ugly) and how you might find forgiveness for others and yourself too. The Girl Who Cried Forgiveness has been a process like a workout! I've been psychologically drained, sometimes too scared to open the pages to the portal where I'd experienced so much dirt and lack of love.
In the book, there is no filter. On the website, the filter is to promote positive psychology and forgiveness while also protecting myself from what could possibly spiral me downward into anxiety or a depression.
Alas, I will tell you now that my responses to being a child sexually abused by my Dad, filmed naked by my elderly neighbors, losing my best friend to a postpartum psychosis suicide, the product of manipulative relationships (including an engagement) and more...I haven't always responded my best.
Naturally, I've tuned out the noise. There, in my silence, I could find direction for my next steps. I allowed myself room and space to be filterless-ly angry, sad, depressed, anorexic and even one with sticky fingers thinking I deserved what I couldn't have because they stole it from me.
Stereotypes of those abused and controlled list multiple negative coping mechanisms. Naturally, I have given way to self-destruct and in the process, treat my family and those closest to me, as if they were the enemy. It's been a lot to work through being hurt to the degrees I have been and to still find hope and faith while in the muck of it all.
I am not perfect. I am not without flaw. When you come to read my story, and the whole thing, you will know this. I've been sharing my judgement worthy material and I've also assured myself that I wouldn't let this drown me. I won't write it in a book that's taken years to write while also telling the world of my weaknesses online when the more beautiful and inspirational message is just that the power of forgiveness and positive psychology has brought thorough restoration to me and those around me. It has been my guide to restoring relationships.
If this anonymous reader is reading this blog now, my message to you is an apology. I am sorry if I hurt you. I am sorry if you have felt the quake from my response to my own hurt. I was projecting and squirming with the discomfort of what was going on with me. It wasn't about you and I believe, I wasn't able to even consider you, regardless to the situation I'd been experiencing. If it brings you ease to know that I do not believe myself to be perfect, read my book or just, know me better.
If you've experienced hurt, seek healing with a professional. When we suppress our healing and stray away from opportunities to let go of the painful memories or situations, we become more susceptible to projecting our pain onto people who have nothing to do with it at all. Be aware of this! Be humble and be real. You are not the only one.