How do you love people post-trauma? How do you receive love post-trauma? We need to see ourselves and our loved one for who they want to be; for what we fixate our focus on is just what we will become.
You'll hear me say it often. Like a broken record I echo that what we fixate our focus on is what we will become. I have been echoing this from Kris Vallotton, a Pastor in California, since I read his book "Supernatural Ways of Royalty."
Post-trauma, I spent most of my time referring to when good things happened by referring to my mental timeline of when bad things happened. The abuse and manipulation became my crutch and my identity. Is this why I continued to attract unacceptable behavior and harmful people into my life?
There was a deep insecurity that no one could possibly love me well because of my past. The truth I have finally come to, is that I did not ask to be abused. I did not ask for my dad to molest me. I did not ask for a church to shun me. I did not ask for my ex-fiance's family to love me so conditionally. I did not ask to experience hell, but did experience it. I needed to quit believing that it was my choice and that I should be ashamed. My offenders ought to feel ashamed whereas I ought to feel empowered for overcoming the emotional, spiritual, mental and sexual abuse.
Ask Vivia for her Psychiatrist's information! EMDR Therapy has absolutely helped Vivia's imagination and projection of what life looks like now by desensitizing and reprocessing painful memories.
As a survivor of much, it has always been my responsibility to get the healing I deserve, so that I can change my perspectives as to live the life I desire. So that I can simply empathize with others because of what I've experienced without actually living as though my offenders still have a choke hold.
When we focus on what harm has been done and give so much damn credit to those who did the deed, we become blind to the things we should be grateful for. Like the people who love us unconditionally, who are patient with us, who do not pity us but empathize with us and support us, only pushing us further into and closer to the person we desire to be.
What changed for me, was I began training myself to remember good memories without reflecting on the nightmare experiences. What changed was I embraced my imagination and fixated on what I want rather than what I've lost.
Now when people see me, they only know I've gone through hell because I've put it all over the internet. By appearances, they default to the idea that I come from a Brady Bunch family who pays my way for everything from their white picket fenced home in Minnesota. They imagine me dating a supportive man and nearing my opportunity to build my own family with all the support of being a Mom and Entrepreneur as one could wish for. I began to imagine the life I desire, just as smooth and accepting only those I deserve to have in my life, and things changed. Then, my reality actually began to mirror people's first impression of me.
"Those without vision will perish." Proverbs
Do not be afraid, dear ones. As you are shifting your perspectives and by positive psychology and utilizing the power of dreaming and imagining what you truly desire, do not be afraid to obtain that.
Often times, we hide from healthy. I remember being so excited, to the moon(!) because I finally had a crush on a boy who resembled the most stable and healthy behavior and personality! While I was so excited to even be attracted to someone so seemingly good, I still had a difficult receiving this good and possibly mutual goodness. I still expected him to hurt me somehow and at some point. He could see that, even without much conversation and few dates, he could see that and moonwalked away. I was afraid of what a healthy relationship might trigger.
For people post-trauma, health is not familiar and does not make one post-trauma feel confident straight away. Healthy things are up for question. We might distance ourselves because people who appear healthy also look like a ticking time bomb and we aren't sure when or how they will explode.
Our offenders once appeared charming and kind, innocent and with good motives, then things turned sour. How do we presume others won't? Truth is, we can't ever be 100% that someone won't flip a switch because of life, because of medication, because of age, because of loss, etc. Over the years, people's responses to various situations could cause them to respond to things differently than we learned they would from the get-go.
In counseling sessions, dive into the past and fight it. On our own, we ought to fixate on what we desire. I desire to have a healthy, loving, supportive, patient and kind relationship with a man. So I fixate my focus on what I want and while inviting him into my life, I'll invite him into my loved one's lives for more discernment and to see how he responds in various situations and groups. This helps me feel safe and until I need reason to believe I am not safe, loved, supported and with patience and kindness, I have no reason to fear a past bad behavior boomeranging into my present.
Do not fear getting the desires of your heart. The healthy and selfless friendships, the good romantic relationships, the fruitful financial state, the mental stability, the feeling of freedom; Darling, this is what you desire! This is what you've hoped for and even in the midst of a deep and dark valley, allow yourself to have what is healthy and good, fair and safe.
You are no longer a victim, no longer a slave to fear but a force to be reckoned with due to overcoming so much without bitterness. Now that the timeline of chaos and unfortunate events has become your shield declaring you are untouchable with powerful discernment by your empathy, with vision and dreams for a beautiful future; DARLING, YOU ARE UNTOUCHABLE! Do not fear healthy. Do not hide from what is healthy anymore.
Enjoy today and tomorrow as you wish. As you've always desired to. Allow yourself to envision a beautiful timeline of good, health and wealth for today and tomorrow and forever.
If you would like support in your journey, post-trauma, contact Vivia Leigh for a $50 coaching session over the phone or in-person (Kansas City). She will offer great encouragement in your process of seeing yourself as overcomer, no longer a victim. Vivia Leigh's Clarity Coaching is a great option to pair with seeing a professional. You may also seek Vivia for counselor referrals!