When I was around 11-years of age, my mother dated an alcoholic who one week, broke his sobriety. On his way back to our home, I got all dressed up in a father-daughter dress to welcome him! We stayed up late that night to finish our movie, when my mom decided to go to bed. I fell asleep to the movie before waking up to my mom’s boyfriend rubbing his hands on my vagina.
I remember hoping he was doing this by accident. Out of fear and wishing this wasn't happening, I stayed still, pretending to be asleep. He kept doing it, so I pretended to adjust myself in my sleep, then tried turning on my side. He kept touching me so I pretended to wake up, and sat up. I saw him and told him I was going to go to my room to sleep in my bed, "Goodnight".
As I climbed the stairs, I had to cross by my mother's room to make it to my own. I almost made it to the top of the stairs before he said “Hey, I love you.” For the next year he lived with us, always asking me if I was masturbating in the shower, and talking with me about sex. When my Mom was gone, he would have me watch rape scenes from movies, then let me know that could happen to me.
I am 30-years-old now, and about two years ago in a therapy session, I had this life-altering moment. My therapist encouraged me to start living my life every day as if I had a child. She knew of my strong desire to be a parent, and that this might encourage accelerated growth for me.
One day, my significant other and I were out at a bar. I saw a woman (my ex-girlfriend) being a bully to an older gentleman, and in that moment I realized I never wanted my future child to be like her; not abusive or toxic, a bully or someone projecting her pain onto others. I had been falling into that manner as I learned it from my own hurting mother, and in this moment, I knew that something needed to change. I needed to really give myself to the healing I have always deserved since my mom's boyfriend first touched me.
Therapy has helped me immensely over the years. I am in my first healthy relationship! I married my favorite person whom I know is a safe place for me, where ever we are. I haven't been abused in the past two years, living without even a thought of self-harm. In my household, no one abuses alcohol. Our home is the safest place I've been in, in a very long time.
I have been working through past struggles and have quit trying to suppress my feelings. I carry healthy boundaries with my family and friends now, and have ultimately been able to relieve myself of all prescription medication as I've replaced it with healing, joy and consistent mental health care.
I was receiving therapy between ages 8 and 16, before starting again as an adult at 27, and I wouldn't stop going now, for it has completely changed my life for the better! Now, I can support others in ways I wished I would have been supported. I am currently seeking a job to help children in like-situation, while reading books to gain more understanding and empathy. For when we are honest with our own pain, we can better support others.
To anyone experiencing a like-situation right now, I would advise therapy. Start anywhere to begin diving in to the proper care needed for you. If it feels like you have to lie or hide from everyone, you should find someone you trust to talk with about your situation. No matter who the adult is to you, the action is inappropriate. There is always help...even if the person you're currently speaking with doesn't help. The help is out there, and Vivia and I are happy to support your finding it.