Full of It

You are enough. Right now, as you are and as you will be. Not based on your trauma or harsh stories but by how you exist today and are trying to heal.

Over the weekend I went to a beautiful sprinkle (4th baby shower), a late night Halloween party, brunch the following day prior to a one-year-old's birthday party before date night and before a Sunday with my girls. It was full!

This week, I have two four hour long college classes, a couple 3-hour coaching clients, a facial client and an EMDR session. I will absolutely be fitting a relaxing date night into this mix.

When you are full of it; full of to-do lists, expectations, a fear of missing out, self-care, relationship maintenance trauma and more, how do you practice your balancing act?

In all that's coming up this week, EMDR is at the forefront of my mind. Dr. Phil B. and I are going through my timeline for The Girl Who Cried Forgiveness. As you've read in previous EMDR Diary blogposts, while rewarding this process can also be exhausting.

To have experienced so much trauma while balancing a life in present time, without trauma or toxic relationships....Allow me to rephrase; to dive back into a hurtful past while your present is spectacular, is quite the game.

I haven't told the new bae everything about my story yet. I'd like to take time getting to know one another. I admire the pace we've been going and the fact that he does not judge nor pity me based on past unwarranted experiences. However, knowing these things might broaden why cooking makes me feel anxious or why other things or atmospheres make me feel uncomfortable versus what makes me feel the most comfortable.

There is no rush. He will know more about me in due time. Until then, I carry on with Dr. Phil B. Onto the next session where we dive into this timeline of chaos and unfortunate events to close it up all to break the identity I so comfortably formed around it.

Here is my point of this blog.

In past relationships, I've had excuses to avoid things, defenses disallowing deeper connection because of past hard things and I've been quicker to anger because of all of this. Now, these wounds are actually being stitched to heal rather than slapping a bandaid on them. Now, I can live life without needing to avoid my trauma. I am facing it head on.

If you have experienced trauma and find yourself blaming the people around you and quite often, for reminding you of an offender, you might consider therapy. You may not be healed and therefore, you are full of projections.

I've projected my pain, trauma and fear onto healthy relationships before. I made them unhealthy by fixating on this idea that the person would hurt me just like the other. Because the other critiqued the hell out of me. I was too thin, I was too muscular, I was not taking the medicine I should be taking, my posture wasn't good enough, my hobbies didn't make sense to them, my lack of desire to cook was goes on. Now, when someone would invite me to cook with them before, I'd list off why I couldn't and reflect on panic attacks while attempting to grocery shop. It was crippling. I wasn't good enough, I didn't learn or keep the basics in mind and there was anxiety tied to it.

Then I watched "Julia & Julia" and began discovering the foods that made me happy. I still lack domestic skills in the kitchen but I don't have anxiety in the grocery stores because of that great film. It showed me joy and frustrations of cooking in a different light! Now I'll learn but still at my own pace.

I wonder what Dr. Phil B and I will cover this week? Perhaps its those times in the kitchen. Maybe an EMDR Superhero will stand up in my defense when called things I absolutely am not; I am enough.

You are enough. Right now, as you are and as you will be. Not based on your trauma or harsh stories but by how you exist today and are trying to heal.

Keep up with the next EMDR Diary coming soon. I encourage you here to get the healing you deserve so that you can avoid ruining healthy relationships and opportunity for growth in basic things like cooking and trusting people without anxiety. You can do it!

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