Updated: Apr 6
I closed my eyes and walked into the shadowed memory. By my therapist’s faciliatation, I was asked to imagine my team!
I imagined that I’d called this team to a board meeting. Here, the wildest of people and characters joined me to tell me they were for me. The people who came to mind were Wonder Woman, The Rock, Vin Diesel, Elastigirl, Pastor Zack Hensley and Psychologist, Carron Montgomery. These people made eye contact with me and told me they were on my team; here for me to battle against all of my shadows!
Out of the board room, my team followed me. We went to Minnesota, back to the white house with black shutters. We went into my parent's bedroom late at night. I experienced myself lying down in-between my parents in the bed with my brother asleep on the floor. The traumatic memory inches closer to the moment my dad placed his hand on my inner thigh-
BOOM! Before he could, Wonder Woman broke down the door and -CRASH!- ran into the bed to pick my dad up by his neck! She pinned him against the wall and then made eye contact with me. She told me I was not alone, she was here now and everything would be okay. She spoke affirmation over me and my innocence and purity. She then cussed out my dad for his thoughts and attempted actions. Wonder Woman swept me up and she hugged me. She took me to safety and she cared for me.
I couldn’t imagine my EMDR Superhero’s any differently. The power of imagination is brilliant. What we fixate our focus on is what we will become. Through this therapy, I retrain my thoughts. If my mind is directed or swept up by the shadows, I imagine this team. The power of our imagination is wildly strong!
I’ve also created a metal storage container. In my mind’s eye, I bolted this container shut with floating written words like, “Fear, worry, anxiety, lies, Jezebel, false sheep, unsupported, a dreamer and not a doer, etc.” Now anytime more shadows attempt to bring in new written words, I have access to a vacuum that will suction these feelings into the storage container. They are gone and then I become invincible again.
The power of this is beyond me. I even felt a headache once I reached home from my appointment. The headache lingers today (the next day). I relate this to working out and feeling the throbbing of a muscle not stretched in too long. I have done work and it is good and helpful.
Our imagination is powerful. What we give our time and energy too is important. We can forgive people and experience freedom! Then what? We must then strive to find more peace by gathering our team of literal and imaginative support.
Honestly, I was terrified for a moment before my psychiatrist led me through my first EMDR session with him. I wasn't sure if I could relate what we were about to do with my imagination, to a positive or negative experience of mine.
Positive Experience: Grieving the loss of my best friend was very hard. I hit the stages of grief and wasn't sure if I'd graduate any closer to functioning out of shock again. I went to a weekend seminar where people led "Encounter God Sessions" utilizing your imagination to connect with God in ways you haven't before. It was powerful, it was beautiful and good. Maria's husband shared just what happened the night she died by suicide. I am so visual that this memory has been locked in my mind's eye. As if I was right there with him as it happened, witnessing it and never able to unsee this. I wanted to remember our good times together laughing and making weird faces at each other while dancing to 13-year-old Justin Bieber love songs. In this session, I imagined myself with God and with Maria. I could see her smiling, childlike and happy in a new memory. This is my new default memory of Maria. I'm looking forward to how EMDR will desensitize the negative memory absolutely.
Negative Experience: I was engaged (that's a chapter in my book!) and it's a great thing that he and I are not married. More-so, due to the connections his family and I did not have together. We clashed on many things, especially how we connected with God. I went away to wedding plan and work without distraction of my then-finance. I went to Minnesota to be with family for three whole months! He and I thought we'd move to New Zealand and so this was quality time with my family before the big move. While I was away, I hardly heard from him. In hindsight, I see why. His mom google'd bullet points of Jezebel traits and was quick to decide I fit the list; that I was seductive, manipulative, controlling and more. When I returned to Kansas City, I thought I'd feel excited! My body knew before my mind could process, that I was about to be in danger. As a collateral, I had to either experience Spiritual Warfare Healing Ministry, or I could not marry their son. I tried. What they did, was they brought me to the negative experience with my eyes wide open. The facilitator would look in my eyes searching. Always searching for the alleged Jezebel spirit residing in me. We made it all the way to the molestation before the facilitator called out Jezebel. I began to cry and was terrified! As if I was in that bed again feeling my dad's hand on my thigh, my thigh muscles twitched. I couldn't believe they thought this healthy and helpful. I had to get out no matter the cost.
Imagination is powerful. What we feed our minds; what we fixate our focus on is powerful.
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What support do you need? How will you have it? What does it look like? For me, I experience EMDR Therapy and it is highly effective.