|Bad| Dreams

I often talk about positive psychology and pursuing your dreams! I believe what we fixate our focus on is absolutely what we will become/behold. What if we aren't focused on something intentionally? What if its subconsciously and we connect with that thought or experience only in our dreams? Well then, what should we do with those dreams?

It's late and I should be sleeping. I just told a guy on Bumble I should message him later when I was more awake. After all, I left Minneapolis for Kansas City at 5 a.m. this morning to make it to work from 12:00-4:30 p.m. I am tired. I'm also a Psychology Major and the most curious person I know.

So I discovered a show. In this episode, the detective is infamous for following his curiosity and discovering more than what meets the eye of most officials. They see "guilty" and he see's coerced, abused, controlled or manipulated to commit the act on hand. I am in love with his ability to broaden his perspective even though all signs would make it obvious for someone to just be a monster, guilty, disgusting and meant for the death penalty.

If you were a Facebook friend of mine the year my dad began his 5 year parole, then you'd know a lot more about my feelings on the matter. There was a reason he made evil and bad decisions and it is absolutely not due to his parents.

In my Personality Theories course, I was assigned to create a case study on someone. The assignment was to look at a situation, diagnose possible symptoms of personality disorders and recognize the behaviors before and afterword. We were taught how to diagnose properly. I'm no expert yet, however when I decided to make the case study focused on my dad, I gained much insight.

I asked for the paperwork concluding the Psychologist's diagnosis while we were in our court hearings. I didn't want to know the results until after my Professor learned mine. How similar were they? As I cry forgiveness, I agree not to disclose who and how I see my dad outside of forgivable and a man who cannot be a father. A man who has mental health concerns. My diagnosis isn't for you to know, but I will tell you it brought me much closure to feel that he did not commit sexual abuse with a sober mind. This does not excuse his actions, however it helps me to understand them.

The Detective in this show learns about a child's nightmares where he's scared and cannot move. The Detective calls this bad dream the child's response to either psychological or sexual abuse.

I'm thinking....I'm recalling...I had nightmares in a similar way. I had nightmares very often. These scary dreams occurred before my dad molested me. In the dreams, I was stuck and serving a blonde woman with a spider body. In other dreams, I was running in a red cape from a wolf. When he caught up to me, he made me choose who could live. I was about 7 or 8 years old when I'd wet the bed or wake up in a sweat from these nightmares.

It's interesting, right? Not only that I had these bad dreams but that I remember them and vividly. I was abused when I was 10. These dreams happened before molestation.

Disclaimer: If you haven't yet followed me on social media; if you do not know me at all, you wouldn't know that I am a Psychology Major and a guinea pig in my own case study desiring to understand how to support kids and adolescents post-trauma. I've experienced much of it and felt alone. Through my transparency and honesty, I desire that no one would ever feel alone by having these uncomfortable and honest conversations.

Like-minded Christians call these dreams God's warnings. Maybe it was a heads up? Maybe, I was abused in some way beforehand? It could have been psychological. My dad's side of the family is very much fascinated with paranormal activity. If you were my neighbor, you haven't forgotten our Halloween parties. There are a million reasons I could have had bad nightmares.

Still, I'm curious. Did my repetitive nightmares evolve post traumas that I didn't even remember or recognize? I haven't wet the bed recently, however in the thick of writing my stories in "The Girl Who Cried Forgiveness", I'd wake crying or sweating.

What do our dreams tell us? The good ones tell us where to go. Do the bad ones tell us where to leave?

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