Updated: Jun 20, 2020
This post is as transparent as many of my posts. It expresses raw emotions concerning my miscarriage experience, and the struggles since. This may not be a suitable read for everyone, still I hope it serves those who've suffered the same pain, and those who are attempting to empathize with people who've had a miscarriage. This post may also support those finding it difficult to become pregnant for their first time.
I've gone through this before. After losing grandparents, an uncle, peers, and my best friend, I learned there are in fact, 7 steps of grief.
I did not know a life the size of a blueberry could feel just as painful and heavy to grieve as the lives with heartbeats, blinking eyes, flexing fingers, and many memories.
This life lost is not only an emotional heartbreak, but a physical pain burrowing deep within me as it tries to leave my body completely.
I was set back. The year 2020 has already been so wild for everyone. On New Years Eve, I was introduced to the man who is now my fiancé, since my birthday, May 29th. Knowing we wished to marry before pregnancy, I schedule an appointment for a birth control implant. In order to accept the implant, I needed to be on my period. It is normal for my monthly to move around. Due to my thyroid condition, it might shift from the beginning of the month to the middle of the month. I missed my period that was meant to go down between the 1st-5th of June. Since I couldn't get the BC implant, I thought to take a pregnancy test, and as I presumed, I tested positive!
Initially, I felt shocked, grieving over our wedding plans, unable to find joy for our engagement and new home. I didn't feel ready yet. My fiancé was excited from the get-go, but it took me a couple of days to move beyond shock and sadness. Financially, we couldn't possibly afford to have a new home, a wedding, and a baby all in one year. Soon enough, we allowed ourselves to began dreaming of the nursery decor and the toys we'd get this baby love. We began to share our the news that we were 5 weeks pregnant with famiy and friends who we would hope would be there for us, have it we would miscarry.
We decided we were giving birth to our personal flower girl or ring barer, or that we made our moms a grandchild for their July birthdays! We were switching gauges and finally feeling excited about God's plan for us.
Don't get too excited.
Over the weekend, I began to feel detached from this idea. Friday night, I had a bad feeling that was hard for me to connect with or understand. Saturday morning, I began the process of either implantation, or a miscarriage. Terrified of the bleeding and cramping, I took the advice from nurse friends, my primary care doctor, and my friend, the owner of Oh Baby! KC. I put my feet up to rest and took part in the waiting game.
The only way I could keep calm enough during the wait was to eat ice-cream and float in a pool beneath the hot sun. There, I could pretend I wasn't afraid.